chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
