Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
