the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
People in love make me want to vomit
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
