Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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