he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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