i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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