Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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