yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
