is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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