the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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