I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
