this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
