I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
