she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize