My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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