hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
