Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
