he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Randomize
