just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
