maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
