if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
