Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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