do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
