That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
