Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i drank out of a bidet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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