My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
