I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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