I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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