How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
