I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
