Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I love having hate sex.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
