When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
