we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
