Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
