Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
