she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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