Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
