Small penises have feelings too.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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