Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
