Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
