dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
