I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
