I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
