Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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