She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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