i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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