She said her name was "party"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Randomize
