Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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