if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
