Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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