Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
