how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
