So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize