i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
