captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
