I could have mohawked her pubes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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