I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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