I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
