The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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