You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
