just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
