Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize