I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize