3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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