Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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